Sequoia was 3.1 kg. 49 cm in length, head circumference was 39 cm and she was born on Dec 31, 2007 at 12.12am.But boy did I have a difficult labor. My waters broke on Thurs, Dec 27 and when i went into the hospital, they told me i was only 1cm dilated. They said that if i didn't go into labor naturally by Sat, Dec 29, I would have to be induced...as it would be too dangerous for Sequoia to be inside for that long.
As it turns out, i did not go into labor by Sat morning, and so i checked into the hospital at about 8.30am. There were no beds available...can you imagine??? So, i had to wait ....at about 11.30am, they put me into a bed in another unit and started to induce me using a gel. However, about 6 hours later, i still had not dilated much. I think i only dilated by another 1cm...so at about 5.30pm, they put me onto the syntocinon induction drug.
The doctor who tried to insert the catheter inside my vein did not do a good job and now i am suffering from tendonitis. She started to find the right spot and then tried jabbing me a few times to try to push the needle in. I screamed in pain. It was really that painful! The hole looks so small but the pain is excruciating. Jesus Christ! I simply could not believe it. Anyway, the catheter just wouldn't go in. Although in dire pain, i told her to try another area which the IVF doctors did. This time it went in much easier. Thank God!Well, 36 hours later and after being given about 20 shots of epidural, the midwives told me they thought my waters did not completely break. They then probed about inside me and then used some long blunt instrument and "punctured" my water bag...
About 7 hours later, I was about 10cm dilated but my upper left cervix lip would not completely thin out...then they asked me to consider an emergency c-section. At that time, after being in active labor for 48 hours, with no food or water for 3 days except 4 pieces of Rowntree's fruit gums, i was dead tired and didn't think i could even try to push for another 2 hours more even if my cervix did thin out! I was already having a fever and Sequoia appeared to be distressed inside me for the 1st time in 4 days since my membranes broke. For Sequoia's safety, i had a 2 minute discussion with my mom and then decided on doing the c section to get her outta there!
Because of all the drugs inside me, i threw up as i entered the operating theater! They gave me this cardboard that was shaped like a hat. And although i was dead drugged out, i managed to joke and say, "oh that's what the hat looking thing is for" :-)
They placed me on the surgery bed and inclined me at a 45 degree angle (not sure why)! I felt as though I was falling down but of course I wasn't! Why would anyone operate on someone who wasn't flat? I felt all my innards, uterus, baby and all slanting to the left side of me! It was a weird feeling!
The anesthetist that proceeded to tell me what she would do and what I would feel. I told her to make sure she put enough of the surgery strength epidural so that I would not feel a thing. She assured me she would... the c section then started...
I was so scared, I totally forgot about my age and how I am supposed to be stoic and not embarrass myself! I was scared shitless and couldn't care less. I asked the anesthetist to talk to me throughout the operation... "tell me about your life," i asked. She was kind AND crazy enough to oblige! When she had to leave my side, she asked another colleague to continue the monologue to me. She was a sweetheart!
The team asked if i wanted to see her immediately after she was pulled out of me. Although i did and i knew that the immediate bonding was important, I said no. I was so tired and scared that if i did, I might cry uncontrollably and upset the rest of the surgical procedure stitching me up as i knew that given my previous surgical history, mine was not a straight forward c section.
However, the midwives were kind. After they dragged her out, they pronounced to me, "you have a beautiful daughter!" They were then kind enough to bring her to me after cleaning her up. All whilst the doctors were still stitching me up! Although i was so drugged out, i could remember saying, "wow, she is so beautiful...." and then i could hear the doctors saying amongst themselves continuously about me, "she is oooozzing blood." I heard them say this so many times and was scared to death. I kept thinking, "if I am already stitched up, why am I still oozing blood?" As scared and nervous as I was, I did not say anything back. I was just too dead tired. So, I just lay there, still inclined at the 45 degree angle (god knows why) and kinda passed out.
I awoke a little when I felt as if someone had taken a box cutter and scratched the surface of my abdomen! "OMG! I am feeling the knife," I murmured drowsily. Please can you top up the epidural. Please hurry up!" Thank God they did. I was definitely starting to freak out! They put more anesthesia in me and I more or less passed out. AGAIN!
According to my mom, I only came out of the theater some 1.5 hours later! She was seating outside the operating theater dead tired but worried as hell! She had not had any sleep for about 3 days! After seeing me lose so much blood during the cervix examinations, she was too tired and too scared to be in the operating theater with me. And as much as i wanted some support, i respected her decision, knowing full well that i, too, may not have been able to make the decision to see someone being cut up as well!
Anyway, I am so glad that the process was over....but mom and Marco could not stay over night at the hospital as it was not a private one. Apparently, the patient's family are not allowed to stay over. After the surgery, I spent about an hour in the recovery room, which is basically and literally a single room where you lay there waiting for NOTHING TO HAPPEN for an hour so that they can confirm you are indeed OK and will not need to be re-wheeled into the operating theater. When my hour was up, a doctor came and said they had to take Sequoia away as she might have been exposed to some infection and germs since my waters broke some 4 days before. They said she required antibiotics ASAP! And so, my little IVF Princessa was wheeled away from her mommy for the 1st time she she saw and breathed Earth!
I was then wheeled over to the post natal ward for c section patients. I waited for 1.5 hours and still did not have my Princessa Sequoia brought to me. At about 4am, I was tired of waiting and insisted that they locate her and bring her to me. They managed to find her and brought her to me. I almost had a heart attack! My baby daughter was all bandaged up on her left arm. And the nails on the left hand were all stained with blood. She had an IV drip attached to the catheter that was pierced into her tiny little vein. Her left hand had a thick paper pad bandage as a holding platform so that her hands and wrist would not bend. I noticed that the needle was sooooo LONG! The pad was supposed to hold the needle in place so that it would not puncture another part of her hand and hurt her more. Her left arm and hand were completely immobile. It really hurt me to see my little newborn this way, so fragile and so vulnerable."Why are her fingernails stained with blood?" I asked the doctor. "Oh, we tried to wash it off but it wouldn't come off," was his reply. As drowsy as I was and in spite of the bad taste in my mouth as I had just barfed not long ago upon arrival to this ward, I managed to spew out, "How much blood did she lose so much so that it "wouldn't come off?" "Don't worry," he said, "she'll be OK." I was totally pissed. Pissed that although I had just thrown up, I couldn't drink water to wash away that "vomitty" taste. Pissed that they had no better answer for me than, "she'll be OK." But there was nothing I could really do. She had already lost that amount of blood and anyway, she was now here with me, where she belongs. So, I kept quiet, and not wanting to appear too ungrateful and too neurotic as a new mom, I murmured "thank you, Doctor."
Her nails and hands were not the only trauma sites. Her feet were also bandaged up and had blood spots from the sites where they extracted blood. It was a horrible sight. My heart broke and I was in tears... I was bitterly angry at myself that she had to go through this since i was in labor for 4 days and she had to suffer along with me. I lost more than 1 liter of blood during the surgery and lost almost that amount with all the cervix dilation checks they did over that 48 hours!
To make matters worse, she had to have blood taken from her heel every 4-6 hours to test for jaundice levels. She was screaming her head off each time they took the blood from each alternate heel. I keep crying and saying sorry to her each time they did this as I could see it really hurt her. I was pissed off that the medical staff repeatedly told me it did not hurt her. "How would you feel if someone took blood from your HEEL, not vein, but HEEL, every 4 hours?" I asked angrily. "Do you think you won't feel any pain?" They tried unsuccessfully to pacify the upset Mom.All the medical staff knew me and Sequoia by the end of our stay. I was the one who asked too many questions about my baby's well being and Sequoia was the one who kept everyone awake at night with her cries and screams. Every 4 hours to be precise!
Sequoia had slight jaundice and they put her on a "billie (aka bilorubin) blanket." I kept asking why they could not keep the photo therapy light on her and test once a day instead of doing it 4-5 times a day around the clock. They didn't have a real answer for me and just told me it was protocol and that it was for her safety. She also had the stupid antibiotics being alternately dripped into her on one session, and then injected straight in 4 hours later. I could tell that it hurt her... We winge when we have drugs inserted into our bodies. It stings, no one can deny that. What trauma my little baby girl had to endure at the tender age of 1 day old!
The weepiness the baby books warn you about a few days after giving birth is completely true! I found myself weeping uncontrollably one night at the hospital after i finished feeding her. She was laying in my arms, fast asleep, feeling the comfort of mom holding her before the heel-pricking nightmare and antibiotic dripping ordeal started again. And there i was, crying. The midwives noticed and came and asked if I was alright. They said it was natural to be emotional as a new mommy. I just stared at them and cried even more un-consolably. All my tears just dripped down my face, found the end of my chin and then proceeded to drip onto her face, making it as tear stained as mine. The little Princessa did not wake though. It was as if she knew she knew that if I was OK, then she was OK and that all would be OK as long as she was with me. She did not open her eyes but lay there contentedly, probably pretending to be deep asleep :-)During my stint at the hospital, I prayed nonstop and asked God to stop the pain for her. Thank God He answered my prayers and Sequoia and i were allowed to leave the hospital several days later...
Sequoia was calm once we came home and cleverly started to settle into a routine.
Mom had been completely indispensable throughout Sequoia's first 7 weeks of life! She helped me wash and change her nappy even through the graveyard shifts! In later weeks though, she slept through it as she realized there was little she could do at 3am since I was the milk producer! I could hear her snoring away as Sequoia starting making the "I am hungry" noises at 3am each night! I guess God made Mommies this way! We are the only ones who will hear and wake at the sound of our baby whimpering! :-)
Mom cooked and cleaned for Sequoia and me nonstop. Thanks to her, I had lots of milk and Sequoia was well nourished! She made loads of yummy stuff with ginger, made me eat lots of fish (which is supposed to encourage milk production and flow). I had so much milk I was like a water fountain spraying milk like crazy! Sequoia would be so irritated. I wouldn't really notice as I was in between nodding off to sleep and trying to keep responsibly awake. I would suddenly notice when I feel that she is not extracting liquid from my boob. I then look down and see milk dripping down her cheeks, little dots of milk on her fine baby hair and sticky hands! It is truly quite a sight to behold!
True to the baby books, Sequoia feels everything I eat. Once Mom made cabbage soup and Sequoia appeared to be in a "windier" condition than normal. I told Mom I also felt gassy and that it must have been the cabbage. We consulted the baby books and made a list of all the food and veggies that I should not eat as they produced "wind in the system." We wound up with no vegetable from the Western supermarket that were non-wind producing. Broccoli and cabbage were a no-no. Onions and garlic were in the list as well. Peanuts contained allergens. The winter type veggies were the culprits - true wind producers! But it is winter here and there are no non-winter veggies available at Sainsburys, M&S or Tesco! Mom then said, "oh, I guess we have to buy Chinese vegetables then." "Super yeah... i really miss those!"Mom left Feb 19, 2008 and it has been very hard on the both of us. Especially for Sequoia. She has been completely unsettled. Every night before 12am, she is used to my mom rocking her to sleep and singing beautiful songs to her. But now all she has is me and my un-melodic voice :-) singing the same songs as Grandma did to her but not being Grandma at all!
Sequoia has become very attached to Grandma! She clearly misses her voice! When Grandma calls, Sequoia would look at the phone and strain to hear the voice coming out of the speaker phone, wondering, "why is Grandma trapped in the phone?"
Sequoia clearly misses Grandma and has not been willing to sleep in her own cot bed at all. As a result, i had to carry her much more and my surgery area is suffering for it...i feel pain and had to see the doctor to check if the operated area is OK. They advised me to see an obstetrician just to be sure that the pain i am feeling in the area is standard experience and nothing else. Oh God, more trips to the hospital :-(
When mom was here, she kept saying an old chinese saying, "an inch of gold, an inch of time, both are precious...but an inch of gold can never buy an inch of time." Chinese proverbs have never meant more to me than at this point of my life... i cherish what she said and told myself i must get that written down in Chinese characters one day and paste it in Sequoia's baby book.
Mom wrote in Sequoia's baby book and said, "grandma is getting old... as you grow from a baby to an adult, I may not be able to enjoy the moments with you... but i have you in my heart..."
It broke my heart to read that...i feel so sad as well that as an older mom, i may not get a chance to see Sequoia grow old. When she is about 30 years, i will be about 70 years...
Life is not fair... and life is truly so short. It is so important to enjoy and cherish the time we have here on earth, especially with the ones we love. The true meaning of that has finally sunk in. So, in spite of the horrific experience, God did bless me with a beautiful, smiley baby girl. Although we had to go through a lot of complications, including a high risk of down syndrome scare together... i would do it all over again for her. I love my Sequoia to death!
1 comment:
WOW, what a long labor! I am so glad everything turned out well in the end.
Your comments on what your mom wrote in Sequoia's book brought a tear to my eye...I miss my mom too!
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